Goal Trackers

Monday, October 6, 2008

What to do? What to do?

That's been the question flip flopping through my mind since Sunday morning. Now, I sit here in my office with this on my mind again. I just can't seem to get a handle on it. There's a part of me that sooooooooooooooo wants to do it and then there's a piece of me that says it's a bad idea and you'll never move on if you do.


I was on the phone with Mr. X Sunday and while he was talking I was on the computer looking up airline prices to Florida for a conference/weekend getaway in November. I came across a fairly decent price and silly me says out loud, "well that's not a bad price."

Mr. X "What?"

And I just had this feeling about what was coming up next. I should have just lied and said something else, but I'm not a very good lier and I've never lied to him before, so why start now. I can wear a mask and hide myself and my feelings behind it real well, had years of practice at that growning up. After 4 years of therapy, I had thought I had thrown those masks away, but I'll be damn if they're not right back in place again. But lying was never my forte.

*Maybe, subconsciencely, I wanted what came next* I told him what I was doing and sure enough, it came - the suggestion. The suggestion to go up there and visit him. He said he still owed me for half the ticket from my last trip and add that to half the ticket for this trip, should I go, and technically I wouldn't be paying a dime this time. *I won't be paying monitarily that it* *think, think* I couldn't give him an answer right away. I needed to think. So, I told him I would think about it and look into it.

Logically, I totally know that I should not go up there. Logically, I should have never let him back into my life. Logically. But I don't think Gemini's are known for their logic. The illogical part of me wants to go so badly. The illogical part of me wants to spend a long weekend with him and yes, crazy as this sounds, I want to see that little girl again. Yet, I know if I do this, it's going to cost me.

I've never had a problem with walking away from people that have wronged me. Yet, I can't seem to get this man out of my system, out of my head, out of my heart. God, what is wrong with me?!


Suzanne said...

There's nothing wrong with you! You are a strong, intelligent, beautiful woman who has friends that will support you no matter what you decide. :)

Kozy Kitty said...

I agree with Suzanne. What bugs me is that Mr. X doesn't seem to get it. Is he clueless as to what he's doing to you? Oh, wait! He's a guy so I guess he is clueless!

Knitty McKnitKnit said...

Boys are dumb. Nuff said.

textillian said...

When I was in this situation (on two different occasions,) I think it had something to do with wanting to stick with what I knew (in my case, each being a lousy stinking liar, one who was stealing from me, the other that was cheating on me) rather than face an unknown (will I ever find someone again.) It is a difficult place to be. Your situation may be different, though.