4th of July - red, white and Blues

I never thought I'd be saying this, but I am really not looking forward to today. This was the last holiday I spent with my Mr. X. He loves the 4th of July. Last year, I was up there enjoying the 4th with him and all his friends (whom he considered more family then mere friends). He and his buddy spend close to $800 on fireworks last year. It was a hell of a fireworks display that night. One day I hope that I can think back on these memories and smile, instead of smiling through tears.

I was talking to my friend David the other night *whom I haven't spoken with in a while, as a matter of fact I had spoken much with any of my friends in a while, guess that's depression for ya* anyhoo, he asked me if I was still not smoking *I had been pretty much smoke free for 10 years, till I finally made the decision to leave my marriage...and then I had quit again last April... I just smoked my last cigarette and didn't buy anymore... till February 27th. Believe it or not, I don't crave cigarettes. I never really have. But it always seemed to be my vice when the shit really hits the fan in my life. Some people go for food, other for booze, me - it's always been cigarettes. Tho this time it's pretty much been all three for me, I won't even go into how much more depressed I get when I put on clothes or step on my scale*

David: So, you still not smoking?

me: HA! yeah, that went to pot the minute my world came crashing down around me...

David: What did happen between you two?

I gave him the condensed version because it still hurts. *and that really pisses me off* I told him about when Mr. X came down last August and asked me to be him wife and how I felt like I had finally found my pot of gold. As I look back now, I really did feel like that. I had found a man who had all of the most important qualities I wanted in a partner. *emphasis on most important because there is no such thing as 100% perfect - no, not even me* I couldn't have been happier. Even people at work had commented on how much happier I had seemed.

But in the back of my mind, there was also a little fear. The fear that this was too good to be true, that is would eventually crumble away *yeah, the pessimistic personality that I can't seem to kill outright, but I am working on its slow death* That Carma would come around and bite me in the ass and laugh in my face. Each time he adamantly told me, "I'm not going anywhere" I'd stick another pin into the mental Pessimistic Voodoo doll. Guess Carma was stronger...

sidebar: Have you read The Secret? Maybe I put out my own bad vibes with these thoughts. Who the hell knows, but it sure as shit isn't me.

David: payback? for what?

me: for my marriage. Not that I regret my decision in any way, shape or form. But I know that J was really hurt by it.

David: you left your marriage cause it wasn't right for you.

me: I know, I am NOT saying I would like it back, just that I had hurt someone badly, and now things have come full circle

David: [Mr. X] ended your relationship for whatever his reasons were. it had nothing to do with Carma It had nothing to do with payback.

But I still wonder, does Carma have anything to do with it? Isn't that the basic principal behind any religious or spiritual belief? Do to others as you want done to you. Should be the number one principle for humanity. I do try to live by that. *though sometimes is really is hard to remember when the chips are down, or something is really wrong* That's one of the reasons I had stayed in my marriage as long as I had. I had made a commitment for better or for worse. Not that I am an overly religious person, but it was my commitment. Then, of course, there's the family issue. Born and raised Italian-Catholic not a divorcee in the family. Leave it to me to break tradition. *There is one uncle, but he was granted an annulment so that makes it all OK*rolls her eyes*

me: well, whatever, doesn't make it hurt any less

David: I know darlin

*yes, he really does use the work darlin - you can take the boy out of the south, but you can't take the south out of the boy*

me: What really sucks the big one, is each night I go have smoke on my back deck, I watch my driveway. I watch because I have this damn idea in my head that one night he's going to pull in.

*I never smoke in my house, because I can't stand the smell of smoke - see, I'm really not a smoker at heart, but I can't seem to kick this vise for good*

*not that I have any idea as to whether I would beat him or hug him if he did*

David: it's called wishful thinking

me: yeah, well it make it pretty fuckin' hard to move on when you can't even control your thoughts about it.

And that's so true. Here it is 4 months since Mr. X called it quits and 8 months since I've seen him and yet he is still the first person I think of when I wake up, he's still the last person on my mind when I go to bed, and he's still occasionally in my dreams *hence, why it's 1 in the morning and I'm bloggin instead of sleepin' - afraid to dream* So how exactly do I move on? How do I get him out of my system?

Friends tell me that I need to do things to occupy myself, consume my time. OK, I work, I joined 2 knitting groups and go when I can, I go out with friends, I joined an online Mystery book club, looking for a book club in my area, but I can't have someone around me 24/7 to occupy my mind. *well yeah, if I go running into another relationship and shift it from 0-70 in 3 seconds flat, I guess I could have someone around me 24/7, but that's not my style. That's not the answer for me*

I go through crying spells and wondering how the hell we went from being excited over a trip and getting him away from the shit that was going on with him and work *and getting to spend a weekend with him was definitely a perk* to ten days later getting dumped. Talk about your "What the fuck just happened?!" Then there are the times when the rage just comes to the surface. I am just so angry about it all that I cry and try to control my feelings of wanting to smash things. *Theresa, I tried your idea of bottles in a bag with a hammer, and it eased it some - so thank you for that suggestion. But there's something about just hurling something into a wall that over powers and consumes my idea of releasing frustration* I have honestly mentally gone through all my breakable in my house trying to make a list of things that I really wouldn't mind losing, of course now, I need to find a wall I can hurl them against. *not an easy thing to find when you live in a suburban area*

It cuts my heart to know that I couldn't make him happy or secure enough to conquer his issues with relationships. I had thought I had been when he asked last August, but not. I love him and he will always be the one who got away to me. For years, I had thought that was someone else from my past, but that pales in comparison to what I feel for him. I didn't know what it truly meant.

And because I love him, I hope that one day he will truly find happiness. *yes, it torments me inside to know it won't be with me, but I still want him to find his happiness. He deserve it* He's all man on the outside, but he has a gentle heart. You just have to see him interact with people, or have a real conversation with him to know that.

OK, now that I have gone through half a box of tissues and now have a headache, it's time for sleep, hopefully dreamless.