The gods apparently really do enjoy tormenting me. All week my Internet connection at home has been flaky and I haven't been able to do much online. Of course, I couldn't get a service call till Friday. Earlier today it seemed to be working just fine. And wouldn't you know it, today Mr. X decides he wants to start talking to me again, through IM that is. *Zeus's thunderbolt strikes*
I was in shock. As much as I have grieved for the loss of our relationship, I never really thought we would ever be speaking again *that's not to say I didn't want it to happen, I just never thought it would* But it was not what I had hoped. It was the wiggling of a knife in an already deep wound.
He was looking for forgiveness for his misdoings, but he couldn't ask for it till he had cleared his conscience of what he had been doing these last 5 months. He was guilt ridden with it all and I guess he thought if he unloaded them onto me and if I could forgive them, all wasn't that bad.
He was the man who had taught me not to beat around the bush in conversations. So he knew I wouldn't accept his cryptic 'I can't really talk with you about it cause it would just hurt you more and that's not fair to you' crap. He knew I would demand straight answers from him. I'm done with the garden mazes.
That's when it came....
a shot through the heart ... *excuse the Bon Jovi lyrics here*
Remember that dream I had, what was it last month? Him, me, hospital, baby? Apparently it's come true, with the exception of the me part. *numbness* He fell into the bed of another women less than a month after he dumped me cause she's due in December. *despite his claims that it was several months after we had broken up, you do the math and tell me who's wrong in their calculations*
me: Wow, glad to know that you were able to get over me so fast.
him: I think it was more of filling the void than getting over you
What the fuck was that? Was that suppose to make me feel any better? He created the void! If anyone had a void to fill it was me. He left me out in the lurch! But I was able to keep my legs closed and fall into no one's bed but my own after he kicked me out of his.
I was stunned. The man that I knew and loved was worried about pregnancy. He drew a bigger sigh of relief each month than I did. We both knew we weren't ready for children yet, but we had talked about them. The man I knew would not have been so careless. The man I loved, is not this man. How could he have done this?
The man I loved would not have moved in with another woman mere months after meeting her.
And he wants me to forgive his sins? I'm no priest, I'm no nun *not that nuns have that power*
Who is this man? How did I not see this man? And where is the man that I loved? *still love* Where is that man?
My therapist tells me I need to separate the two men. There is the man that I love and have been best friends with for two years. That's the man that was solid with what he had wanted out of his life. That was the man that was a kind, caring, gentle teddy bear. That man was my John Wayne. Then she said there's this other
asshole man who's been around for the last five months. How does someone do that? How does someone split a person into two like that? I can understand what she is saying, but understanding and doing - not one in the same. I haven't quite gotten to the point of being able to separate the two.
Now I'm left to wonder, how was it that I never saw this other man. How could I have been so wrong about someone I thought I knew so well? How did I allow a man like this into the deepest depths of my soul and allow him to learn to know me so well? And I guess the ultimate question is, how do I learn to trust and open myself up again to another?
My beer dinner has done nothing to alleviate this pain. I have no idea how many I had, I just know that the beer shelf is empty. *that's a lot* There is no tequila in the house because my gf and I finished it off last weekend. It's the wee hours in the morning and I'm still awake. The anger and the pain just seems to be absorbing the alcohol. The shock, the shock seems to be keeping me awake, which I guess isn't such a bad thing since I really don't want to deal with the dreams.