Goal Trackers

Friday, July 20, 2007

Zeus's Thunderbolt and Hera's Wrath

The gods apparently really do enjoy tormenting me. All week my Internet connection at home has been flaky and I haven't been able to do much online. Of course, I couldn't get a service call till Friday. Earlier today it seemed to be working just fine. And wouldn't you know it, today Mr. X decides he wants to start talking to me again, through IM that is. *Zeus's thunderbolt strikes*

I was in shock. As much as I have grieved for the loss of our relationship, I never really thought we would ever be speaking again *that's not to say I didn't want it to happen, I just never thought it would* But it was not what I had hoped. It was the wiggling of a knife in an already deep wound.

He was looking for forgiveness for his misdoings, but he couldn't ask for it till he had cleared his conscience of what he had been doing these last 5 months. He was guilt ridden with it all and I guess he thought if he unloaded them onto me and if I could forgive them, all wasn't that bad.

He was the man who had taught me not to beat around the bush in conversations. So he knew I wouldn't accept his cryptic 'I can't really talk with you about it cause it would just hurt you more and that's not fair to you' crap. He knew I would demand straight answers from him. I'm done with the garden mazes.

That's when it came....

*Hera's wrath*

a shot through the heart ... *excuse the Bon Jovi lyrics here*

Remember that dream I had, what was it last month? Him, me, hospital, baby? Apparently it's come true, with the exception of the me part. *numbness* He fell into the bed of another women less than a month after he dumped me cause she's due in December. *despite his claims that it was several months after we had broken up, you do the math and tell me who's wrong in their calculations*

me: Wow, glad to know that you were able to get over me so fast.

him: I think it was more of filling the void than getting over you

What the fuck was that? Was that suppose to make me feel any better? He created the void! If anyone had a void to fill it was me. He left me out in the lurch! But I was able to keep my legs closed and fall into no one's bed but my own after he kicked me out of his.

I was stunned. The man that I knew and loved was worried about pregnancy. He drew a bigger sigh of relief each month than I did. We both knew we weren't ready for children yet, but we had talked about them. The man I knew would not have been so careless. The man I loved, is not this man. How could he have done this?

The man I loved would not have moved in with another woman mere months after meeting her.

And he wants me to forgive his sins? I'm no priest, I'm no nun *not that nuns have that power*

Who is this man? How did I not see this man? And where is the man that I loved? *still love* Where is that man?

My therapist tells me I need to separate the two men. There is the man that I love and have been best friends with for two years. That's the man that was solid with what he had wanted out of his life. That was the man that was a kind, caring, gentle teddy bear. That man was my John Wayne. Then she said there's this other asshole man who's been around for the last five months. How does someone do that? How does someone split a person into two like that? I can understand what she is saying, but understanding and doing - not one in the same. I haven't quite gotten to the point of being able to separate the two.

Now I'm left to wonder, how was it that I never saw this other man. How could I have been so wrong about someone I thought I knew so well? How did I allow a man like this into the deepest depths of my soul and allow him to learn to know me so well? And I guess the ultimate question is, how do I learn to trust and open myself up again to another?

My beer dinner has done nothing to alleviate this pain. I have no idea how many I had, I just know that the beer shelf is empty. *that's a lot* There is no tequila in the house because my gf and I finished it off last weekend. It's the wee hours in the morning and I'm still awake. The anger and the pain just seems to be absorbing the alcohol. The shock, the shock seems to be keeping me awake, which I guess isn't such a bad thing since I really don't want to deal with the dreams.


Theresa said...

Oh God. That is quite the shot to the heart. I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say. I've never had anything like this happen to me (though one of my friend's relationships ended when he told her he knocked someone else up).

This is my take on him (obviously I don't know him, so it could be totally off, but from all you've said, these are my conclusions): he's always fancied himself and prided himself on being a "nice guy." He was never one to jerk around the ladies and looked down on guys who did. But he's also a coward. Instead of seeing himself as the chicken shit that he is, he chaulked it up to being nice: I can't hurt her b/c I'm a nice guy. I don't want to tell her anything that will cause her pain b/c nice guys don't hurt women. But basically he was just too chicken. A true nice guy recognizes that you can't avoid hurting other people all the time and that the NICEST way to hurt (hmmm... that could mean something totally different in a bdsm kinda of way ...) is to come clean completely and confess all, whatever IT is, right away.

But instead Mr. X basically just stops talking to you b/c "he doens't want to hurt you" but really b/c he doesn't want to feel bad himself about being the cause of the pain. Well, sounds like the guilt managed to get him anyway and now he has the nerve(!) to confess so that he can get rid of the guilt.

If he had just come clean right away w/ why he wanted to breakup and then when he first found out about the pregnancy, you would be so much farther along in your getting over him. That would have been the decent thing to do.

Ok, so I guess I had something to say after all ... I am so sorry, D. You're such a vibrant, funny and fun-loving person (or so you seem from reading your blog). Plus a kick-ass knitter! You have so much to offer; you'll find someone better.

Valerie said...

I can't believe him. I mean it's all bad. Realizing someone is not who you had come to know and love them hurts in itself. I am floored that he would rip you apart like that. Who would confess things like that unless it was to feel better. He just put you through the mud in the name of feeling better about himself.


I am really sorry dear. What a pain in the arse.

danielle said...

Hi. I read this the other day and didn't know what to say. I still don't know.

There are a lot of things I could say based on my own unfortunate experience (I thought the same thing - "How could I have been so wrong about someone I thought I knew so well? How did I allow a man like this into the deepest depths of my soul and allow him to learn to know me so well? And I guess the ultimate question is, how do I learn to trust and open myself up again to another?"

I'm already letting my guard down and learning to trust again. It's simultaneously exhilarating and terrifying. You'll be there, again.)

So, {{{HUGS}}} and I'm so sorry you are going through this. But you are going through (not avoiding), which means you'll get to the other side.

Valerie said...

I'm glad to got it and liked it! In hindsight I was nervous that you would interpret the gift as insensitive. I know that it won't help you out of your situation but it does put the stages of recovery into perspective. Sometimes when people see how things work it helps them a little. The poetry is wonderful and you probably noticed I underlined the ones I liked. The best books are not new but well read and passed down after all. =)

The_Add_Knitter said...

Oh God, that must have been such an incredible piece of news to deal with...ugh. I am glad that you are able to see that he is no longer truly 'the man you fell in love with'.

Helen said...

Men are so bizarre sometimes.
Many years ago, I broke up with my then fiance b/c he began becoming a guy I didn't trust to behave rationally. (Okay, he hit a wall, literally, when I wasn't ready to have sex ten minutes after we'd argued over trust issues). So, he was finally clear on the "we're never getting married, never getting back together" concept in late June --- and was married in October! WTF?
Clearly didn't hurt me as your ex hurt you, but evinced the same bizarre flippo behavior. What is it with men? And where DO they put the parts of themselves that we fall in love with?