Dreams and Tears

Last night's dream is one of those that I wish I didn't remember at all after waking up. I don't even know why my mind went in that direction! I have this one fragment of the dream that I can't see to shake out of my head. I feel like I have to get it out or it will be haunting me all day and I don't want that. Not today. Not on my birthday. Damn. Damn him!

So, this fragment... *sigh* I was in a hospital room. I had given birth to a baby boy and I was holding him. *mind you, I have never given birth, but I do want children - and in the back of my mind try to accept the fact that it just might not be in the cards for me* Mr. X was there, leaning down on the bed watching our son *that feels so weird to say* wrap his little fingers around his big finger. I was just watching quietly and this feeling of pure love just swells up inside me as I watched them. It was like I was looking in on a special moment just between them. *I woke up with that raw, emotional feeling* Then he looked up at me. The expression on his face, the same intense look he had on his face the evening he asked me to be his wife. (That night, when he looked at me and asked me that question - I didn't answer right away. I was searching, looking in his eyes, looking to see if he was serious or just taken away with the passion that were in the middle of. When I didn't answer he stopped and asked if I had heard him. That's when I saw it. Intense and raw. I said yes. Then there was a slight shift in his expression, more gentle, more intense, and the look. He looked at me like no man ever has *and I know this is going to sound corny and hokey and all that, but it's what I saw* it was a look that said this woman is going t0 be the mother of my children. *I told you it was going to sound corny* But if you knew him, you'd know how well that fit with his personality.) That was the look he was giving me in the dream when he looked up at me. I cupped the side of his face and smiled at him.

That's when the alarm clock jolted me away. Those feelings were still there, engulfing me. I didn't know what this meant or what to do. I did the one thing I knew. I cried. This was the type of dream and feeling that I had many, many months ago that lead me to completely trusting him. And here I was having another dream about him, with those same intense emotions attached and yet, he's no longer in my life. He had severed all ties to me.

Of course now, now I wonder if I had completely interpreted the first dream all wrong. Now I wonder if I had read the emotions on his face all wrong that night back in August. Now I wonder if he had, in fact, asked only because he was in the heat of the moment. I wonder if he'll even remember today's my birthday.

Time to wash off the tears, pull out the mask and get ready to face the day.